According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
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Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.