I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
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my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked