They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
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Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Legend 🤣🤣
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
President The Rock Obama
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Most fashion shows these days…
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.