Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
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welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Lmao
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.