Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
You Might Also Like
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
no one ever comes back
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?