My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
You Might Also Like
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
That time Alicia messaged me
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it