Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
You Might Also Like
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
“I FIXED IT!”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”