Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
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Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.