My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
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bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.