my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
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They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.