interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”