Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
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Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Look at this
this is me
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry