If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.