Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
OH. COME. ON.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.