Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?