I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”