She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
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It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?