Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
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My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we鈥檙e fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Him: You鈥檙e some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
A collection of me turning into random objects.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald鈥檚 employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don鈥檛 go to Heaven.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I don鈥檛 wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I鈥檓 stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn鈥檛 find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Do馃憦not馃憦remove馃憦the馃憦exquisite馃憦painting馃憦from馃憦my馃憦wall馃憦and馃憦open馃憦the馃憦hidden馃憦safe馃憦if馃憦you馃憦don’t馃憦want馃憦to馃憦find馃憦a馃憦smaller馃憦version馃憦of馃憦the馃憦same馃憦painting馃憦
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven鈥檛 had a raise in eight years:
paddle faster i hear baby shark
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I鈥檓 gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.