Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
meow
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
mom gave me mine for free
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
yeah 😭
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.