Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
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*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place