I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!