“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
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They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud