My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
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You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.