Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
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Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Digital security in Ancient Troy
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?