explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs