having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
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When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
23. the denim jacket
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.