I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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I think I’ll stand
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet