I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
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Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.