dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
You Might Also Like
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea