*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
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[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
#damn
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.