If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
my lower back watching me try to live my life