Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
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“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
car not found
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet