[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
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Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Always a metermaid never a meter
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
This is a bad sign
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg