After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
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The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
When a shoelace touches your ankle
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?