Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
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[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!