customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant