ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
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One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Every haunted house movie:
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens