Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Oh. My. God.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
A new level of troll.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.