“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
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Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
nice challenge
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person