According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
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My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.