8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I’m giving up ice.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Bootstraps
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.