Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
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somebody come look at this
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
oh my gosh!!
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.