You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
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Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I only treason on days ending in y
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Mountain Goat : )
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*