I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
#milo
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”