“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?