Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
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Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.