“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
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[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.