I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.