Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
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It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Truth
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)