Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.